Batman: Harley Quinn (October, 1999)


I Shit My Shorts:

Can you believe that Harley Quinn is over 20 years old now? Me neither. Fuck, I feel old. You may remember this issue as the issue that introduced Harley officially into the DC Comics from television, but when I look at the issue, I remember shitting my shorts.

I was on the Cross Country team in high school. It was the only sport (THE ONLY) I could do, and I wasn’t very good at it, but I still had some fun times. I was reading this comic book while the team and I were on a bus returning from a meet in Kentucky, and we stopped at a McDonald’s for lunch. Inside, I ate a Big Mac with no pickle, a large fry, a large Coke and a medium milk shake, because I was a future fat kid.

Back on the bus, I began to feel a rumbly in my tumbly. The rumbly in my tumbly became seismic shocks in my intestines. I tried to keep my cool for as long as I could, my teammates asking me if I was feeling okay with concerned looks. Eventually, I realized that the feeling in my lower regions was indicative of something happening, something that I would not be able to stop. I shouted for the bus driver to pull over. The coaches and the bus driver asked what was wrong, since we were on a main road and pulling a bus over would not be so simple.

“I’m going to be sick!” I shouted, holding my gut. “You have to pull over!”

“Here, puke into this,” one of the coaches said, handing me a brown, paper lunch bag.

“It’s not coming out that end!” I screamed. “Pull over! Please, hurry!”

Finally understanding the urgency of the situation, the bus driver managed to bring the bus to a safe stop on the side of the road. With haste, I struggled to get the emergency back door open. When I finally succeeded, I leapt from the back of the bus onto the pavement below and then splat!

That’s when it happened.

The shock of my feet hitting the pavement released any tenuous hold I had of keeping whatever it was at bay. And whatever it was burst forth from my butthole as soon as I hit the ground. With a now fully-loaded pair of running shorts, I rushed bow-legged behind a bush, droplets of brown mush oozing down my legs.

Everyone saw. Everyone knew. I tried to look on the bright side; at least I made it off the bus. But I was not looking forward to the humiliation of seeing my teammates’ faces. What the hell could we talk about after that?

The coaches brought me some towels, water, extra shorts, and a trash bag. I got myself cleaned up and changed, and then realized that the most peculiar and awkward member of the team (even more so than myself) had been watching me through the bushes. He gave me the jitters, and I said, “At least we’ll all be laughing about this someday.”

“They already are,” he stated blankly.

Oooookaaaaay…and he was right. Everyone was having good fun at my expense, but they weren’t being cruel about it. After some laughs, I just wanted to forget the incident, and erase the look of the strange kid who had been watching me clean my ass from my head. I returned to my comic book and finished reading.

Harley Quinn is my favorite Batman villain. I even have a shirt with that Alex Ross painted cover image printed on it. But this issue will always be a testimony to the day I shit my shorts.

What’s Inside:

The introduction of Harley Quinn into the official DC Universe, this issue is written by one of Harley’s creators from Batman: The Animated Series. In the wake of an earthquake which ravages Gotham, former Arkham psychiatrist Harlene Quinzell joins her obsession, the Joker, in some mayhem and merriment and becomes Harley Quinn.

Writer: Paul Dini

Artist: Yvel Guichet

Publisher: DC

Condition of My Copy: Shit-stain free! Some fingerprints due to the glossy, prestige format cover, but otherwise flawless