X-Men: Alpha (February, 1995)


I’m an Alpha-Level Asshole:

When I was about twelve years-old, I had an unwanted, toe-headed sidekick named Chip. I am not sure why Chip latched onto me and idolized me so, but he was a couple years younger, and, like a cat, he seemed to follow me around specifically because I wanted to be left alone. To be nice, I tolerated him.

One day, Chip and his mother invited me to join them on a Saturday morning to watch a radio show being recorded. I thought it sounded pretty cool, so I graciously accepted the invitation for selfish reasons, because I was an asshole.

After the radio show was over, we ran into another friend of mine at the park who was closer to my age named Adam. Adam and I began conversing and having a good time, and I was unknowingly ignoring little Chip, because I was an asshole that was stretching to let it all fit. Then I became an asshole of much greater gape when Adam invited me back to his house to look at his new comics, and I agreed, abandoning poor little Chip.

Among Adam’s new comics was this baby. I was stoked to see it, since I had a newspaper clipping regarding the significance of this particular comic. Chip knocked on Adam’s door, asking if he could come in. We let him come up to Adam’s room, but Adam and I continued to speak only of comic books, which Chip knew nothing about and had no interest in, because I was an asshole which could take double-penetration without lube.

I would later learn that Chip cried all night long after I left Adam’s, and his mother banned me from their home, which I never even noticed. Chip stopped being my sidekick and following me around after that, and I can’t blame him since I was an asshole capable of being triple-penetrated by beer cans

What’s Inside:

This was one of those gimmicky comics that made national headlines, but it was still damn cool and has been imitated multiple times since. X-Men: Alpha introduces the Age of Apocalypse, an alternate reality that replaced the X-Men comics for about four months. It showed the readers what the world would be like if Professor X had never existed, who had died in the past because time travel. Without Xavier, Apocalypse takes control, and the X-Men are a dysfunctional group of ragtag mutants under Magneto. We get to see alternate versions of the characters we know and love, including a heroic Sabretooth and a bloodthirsty Nightcrawler. Dark Beast (the evil version of Beast, duh) remains a villain in the current comics. And, yes, that is a chromium cover, and, yes, that means I’m rich for owning this.

Writers: Scott Lobdell, Mark Waid

Artists: Roger Cruz, Steve Epting

Publisher: Marvel

Condition of My Copy: I got my own copy last year, which is nice and shiny, even though an Apatosaurus asshole like me doesn’t deserve it.